Why Emotional Intelligence Matters More Than Skills

It doesn’t matter how smart you are, if you can’t hold a conversation with someone, or are selfish and entitled, you won’t get as far as someone who is less smart but gets along with everybody.

Image Credit to Wealth Magnet

In college, grades and academic studies are emphasized over everything else. Your GPA is incredibly important to landing that first gig but what will set you apart in the workplace is Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

When I was working in the federal government, I was selected for an eight-week rotational assignment at the pinnacle of the U.S. Intelligence Community. The assignment required me to work off hours from 12 am to 10 am six days a week to help prepare the President’s daily intelligence briefing. It was a thrilling place to be as a support analyst. The tasks were cumbersome and not very glamorous, but I was glad to be there.

The direct staff that worked in the office, served there for up to a year or longer as a briefer. They were seasoned intelligence officers and sacrificed their personal life for the greater good. Let’s just say lot of them were miserable despite the prestige of the position. Each full-time briefer was assigned a policymaker who, along with the President, received the daily briefing. From the Secretary of Defense to heads of each intelligence agency, the recipients of the briefing were the most influential in creating national security policy. On rare occasions, a briefer would bring along a support analyst to join him or her during their morning brief with the recipient.

I knew one of the briefers liked college football and attended my alma mater. He was a bullish guy who had spent twenty years in far off lands conducting sensitive work. His recipient of the briefing was someone I idolized. I read his books and publications throughout college. I even watched documentaries he was featured in. I won’t give away who this man was, but I can say he was one of the architects of turning the war in Iraq around.

His briefer on the other hand was a hard ass and tough to work with. He viewed the support analysts with annoyance and disdain if they got in his way. One morning I was making copies as he entered the copy room and bravely said, “Hi Jim, have you been following college football this season?”

We struck up a conversation and every morning we would discuss college football and our alma mater. The conversations turned from football to family to career advice. I empathized with him and built a relationship after a few weeks.

The last week of the eight-week assignment was coming to an end. I would be leaving the office to return to my home agency. I had yet to take part in a face-to-face with a senior policymaker and desperately hoped for the opportunity before time ran out.

My last day at the office I found myself in the copier room again. Jim was there and was complaining about delivering the briefing due to missing a parent-teacher conference. When I heard this I said jokingly, “If you need me to cover the briefing, I can.” I didn’t really think he was going to allow me to cover his duties. A thirty-year intelligence professional versus someone with one year of experience doesn’t exude confidence on behalf of the recipient. But I was wrong.

“You serious about that? Sure, let’s make it happen, I trust you,” Jim said to me in the early morning. “Be ready to go at 7am, you can deliver the briefing. Give him time to read it over and document questions for me when you return.”

I stood there in shock. Jim was going to allow me to fulfill his duties my last morning on the assignment.

A few hours later I found myself in front of the distinguished war hero. We sat down together in his office as he reviewed the report. Before he started reading we started talking. He asked me questions about my personal life, what led me to the career, and we even talked about running. Our conversation touched on many points including geo-politics, his time in Iraq, and training for triathlons. I was struck by his ability to make me feel comfortable and his general interest in my life.

After 30 minutes of reading the report he asked me a few questions that I needed to document for Jim. Once the briefing was over I stood up and shook his hand, he said, “Hang on a minute.” He reached into his desk and pulled out a military coin with his name and signature. Handing me the coin he said, “keep up the great work and I hope our paths cross again.” I smiled and thanked him.

Leaving his office, I felt a high I had never experienced before. Who knows if he hands out personalized coins to everyone he meets but I didn’t care. It felt genuine to me and his EQ left me speechless for a few hours.

A few years later, I ran into the man in a bike store in Arlington, Virginia. He was surrounded by security, but I walked up to him anyways as he was browsing workout gear. He remembered me and thanked me for my service. He even asked if I still had that coin. “Of course I do. I’ll never forget that and thank you.”

Develop Your Emotional Intelligence

High levels of EQ can help you forge better relationships, grow within an organization, build stronger communities, and even allow you the chance to be considered for once in a lifetime opportunities. Here are ten ways I believe you can develop a higher EQ:

1. Put the Team’s Need Above Your Own. Do your best to be as selfless as possible in the workplace and in college. Do not expect to receive immediate recognition for your actions. In the workplace, volunteer to help colleagues beyond your job duties. You will eventually get noticed and rewarded. In relationships with coworkers, show kindness and appreciation for their work. If your boss is under the microscope and constantly stressed, volunteer to help them where needed. Take tasks off their plate and proactively reach out to them to determine if they need support.

2. Be a Superior Listener. As my grandpa used to say, “You were given two ears and one mouth for a reason.” If all you do is talk, your showing others that your way is the only way. It’s important to be present and listen when interacting with coworkers. Don’t you hate those people who are constantly waiting for you to stop talking so they can start talking. It’s like they are not even listening to what you are saying. If you don’t listen, you’ll miss out on important information to help you succeed in the workplace. The more you talk, the more clueless you are. If you spend more time listening, you can absorb the lessons others have done. Digest what is being said by being an active listener.

3. Volunteer. Put yourself out into the community to help others. There is no better way to help others than to volunteer your most precise asset, time. Consider volunteering at homeless shelters, assisting with disaster relief, coaching youth sports, or becoming a big brother/sister to a child. The more you see what is affecting other people, the more you will help others. Empathy is a skill acquired by putting yourself in other people’s shoes.

4. Travel. The United States is an amazing place. Our quality of life is the best on the planet. There’s a reason why so many people want to live here. If you have opportunities in college to immerse yourself in other cultures and countries, do it. Spending a semester abroad will open up the world. You’ll realize just how great this country is even if you are traveling to a first world country. Learning how other people live and work will give you greater appreciation for what you have.

5. Find Common Interests. Through listening we can find common interests among our coworkers. You’ll find that nearly everyone you encounter has a common interest with you. They are genuine and cannot be faked. Reflect on the people you have forged strong relationship with, I guarantee most of them were started due to common interests. Use these common interests to influence conversations with coworkers.

6. Remember Facts About Others. I hate it when you develop a relationship with someone, yet they do not remember facts you told them about yourself. One time I found myself working with someone who I thought had an interest in me. It was only after repeating the same thing about myself to him ten times that I quickly learned he was horrible at listening and remembering facts. If you can remember facts about others you will develop better EQ.

7. Work in Customer Service. College gives us plenty of opportunities to work in the customer service industry. When you’ve got to constantly work with different types of people, you learn how to listen, adapt, and solve problems. Receive a tongue lashing from an angry customer. Provide excellent service and receive zero tip. Clean up a fitting room full of unfolded clothes. As soon as you realize how hard it is to please others, you will be more empathetic to the people who spend their careers in the customer service industry.

8. Take Ownership. If you mess up, own up to it. Take ownership of all the things you screw up. If your group project fails, own up to it. If you are slacking in school, it is your fault and you need to take ownership. In the workplace, there is no better coworker than one who admits their faults and takes ownership. Admit and owns mistakes and develop a plan to overcome them in the future. Never, blame anyone else. Coworkers will view you as a reliable colleague if you take ownership.

9. Control your Ego. Ego clouds and disrupts everything in the workplace. The planning process, the ability to take advice, and the ability to accept constructive criticism. The most difficult ego to deal with is our own. In life, put your ego in check to develop your EQ.

10. Be Friendly and Approachable. A simple smile or a wave can go a long way. Ask others about their personal lives and be selfless in putting the team first. In college, remember that you are new to the workforce. You have a lot to learn but are valuable. If you are friendly and approachable, coworkers will be more likely to thrust you into activities to help strengthen your skills.

Be Kind, You Never Know the Opportunities

Improving your EQ should be a top priority in college and throughout life. People often point out that empathy cannot be learned. Instead you are born with varying levels of it. This is false, everyone can improve their empathy and EQ. It starts with being nice and a good person.

At the end of the day, people want to help others they like. It’s impossible to be loved by everyone, but it is possible to be more empathetic, kind, patient, thoughtful, and nice. Give as much as you can and one day someone will return the favor. Be the person that others can rely on.

Common scenarios in the workplace where EQ is needed:

• A coworker asks for help on a task. Are you willing to support them even if the task is outside your job duties?

• When you reach out to your boss for support. Are you being considerate of their time?

• When you attend a social gathering. Are you the only one talking? Are you smiling and being nice?

• When you are given a task you are overqualified for. Are you allowing your ego to get in the way?

• When your team screws up because you did not plan effectively. Are you taking ownership of the mess?

• When you meet your coworkers the first time. Are you asking them questions to get to know them better? Do you remember facts about them?

• When your coworker is struggling with a task. Can you recognize their struggle, and can you help?

Skills can be learned on the job. EQ can be learned every second of every day.